Breaking the Silence

If you have had a miscarriage, you are not alone. Obviously, you know that. But do you feel that?

Maybe not; because it's a topic that is kept very hush-hush. I've wondered why that is for months now. Maybe people don't feel like sharing their private pain. And that's fine. Maybe some don't feel a miscarried baby carries much weight in the eyes of the world or those they associate with. And that's discouraging. Maybe people don't share because that's just what's expected when you have a miscarriage. "We just don't talk about it."

And that's that.

But that's not enough for me. I firmly believe one of the reasons we go through trials is to help other people through similar ones. So here I am, sharing my pain and also the things I have learned in hopes that someone else will benefit from it. If it doesn't give a sense of hope at least it might give a sense of camaraderie...


One day we saw two pink lines. That day my life changed forever.

Amazing things happen when you find out you are creating a life. You start living with a different purpose. You start having dreams of the future. "Will my baby have dimples like my husband?" "Will my baby love to sing like me?"

And if you have siblings expecting at the same time you picture your kids running around grandma and grandpa's house together, asking to have sleepovers, growing lifelong friendships.

This was my sweet reality for 4 weeks. And then...

One day we couldn't see a heartbeat. That day my life changed forever.

Horrendous things happen when you find out the life you were creating becomes a past tense. You question everything. Your purpose. Your future. Things that you've known your whole life become doubts.

But at the same time you learn. You learn more in those moments, days, weeks, months, following than you feel like you've learned your whole life. But why did it take something so painful and unbearable to learn these things? I don't know. Sometimes it's okay not to know.

My sweet baby's life was not without purpose. He/she taught me more than I ever thought possible. I want to share a few of those.


-I am now a mother. Other people might not recognize me as one. I might not have a baby to hold in my arms. But I am a mother who has felt and continues to feel that unconditional love that mothers feel.

-I lost a child. Not just a bunch of cells. A literal child who had already wiggled his/her way into my heart. But it didn't stop there. I lost the next 6 months that I was supposed to carry that child. I lost holding that baby in my arms for the first time. I lost first steps. I lost first day of kindergarten. I lost first date and first heartbreak. I lost graduation and wedding. I lost an entire life that I had dreamt about and started imagining for/with that baby.

-Miscarriage is one of the most lonely experiences in the world."If people heard about what had happened, their faces would turn into masks of horror for a moment, but then it would become just a story to them. They would go on living, and laughing, and I would be alone with my grief." The Retribution of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin. People try to understand, people say they understand, but no one does. Not even others who have had similar experiences. Because each miscarriage is a unique, heartbreaking journey that no one can fully travel with you. But it's so important to take people's comments for what they're given: comfort. Even if they don't feel comforting at the time.

-Emotional independence is essential. Because no one fully understands, no one will ever be able to feel how deep your pain and grief reach. They aren't feeling what you're feeling, so they don't know what your heart needs. So share your feelings by all means! But don't expect people to react exactly how you expect or give you exactly what you need, because they have no idea.

-Lastly, you are never alone. You have a Heavenly Father and a Savior, Jesus Christ who will never abandon you no matter what your grief makes you feel or think. So yes, no one here on earth knows how you feel. But they do. No one here on earth understands why, including you. But they do.

Trials are the ultimate form of repentance and change. When tragic, traumatic things happen to you it's almost like you come to a dead end in your path of life that you didn't foresee. So for a while you stop. You stare at the dead end. You wonder why in the world it's there because this was not your plan. Most people feel grief and despair for the life that they thought they were going to have but now don't. But after a while, you have to make a choice. Are you going to allow this end point to set you back? Or are you going to choose to let it elevate you? Will you simply sit down on the path with bitterness in your heart? Or will you notice the other path leading off in a different direction and with curiosity and hope for the future keep walking?

I choose to keep walking.