Getting Aquainted With Grief

     Grief seems to be one of those things in life that you don't really understand until you've experienced it. At least that's how it's been for me. And even if you have experienced it, we probably all understand it a little differently.


     Grief has been one of my only constants over the past 7 months. Something I could count on to be with me pretty much every day. Not always overwhelming or thought consuming, but always there in the back of my heart. I have made a lot of mistakes along this journey. I haven't always handled my grief in the healthiest ways but because of this, I have come to understand the deeper roots of grief.


1. Grief is extremely individual


     As I was browsing Facebook a while ago I came across this picture:

     Now I know it's a little cheesy and cutesy, but doesn't the message hit your heart? It's been on my mind ever since I saw it. How often do we compare trials? In my case it's been things like.. "Well she's had more miscarriages than me," or, "She was way farther along in her pregnancy when she miscarried," and, "She's tried and prayed and waited years to get pregnant," and, "She actually got to meet and bond with her baby before she had to say goodbye."


     The more I thought these things, the stronger my guilt got for feeling so much grief over my loss. Who was I to be feeling so desperately lost when these women seemed to have it so much worse? But that is so unfair. We are all so unique and individual, which means that the trials we go through and the way our hearts react to them are also unique and individual.
     Do not judge someone because of the way they are grieving. You can try to imagine, but you really have no idea how their heart is hurting.


2. Grief has no timeline and time does not heal it
    
     For some people grief last only moments, days. For others months, years. And you know what? That's ok. There is no rule that grief has to last a certain amount of time or be gone by a certain amount of time.
     We've all heard that saying, "Time heals all wounds." I disagree. Time doesn't heal anything. Time gives you the opportunity to see your trials from a different perspective which often allows you to heal. But time doesn't do the healing. It is foolish to passively wait around for time to pass, hoping your grief will heal.


3. Grief is demanding


     Isn't it strange that something with no physical form, no mind of it's own can demand so much?

• It demands that we take care of ourselves.
•  Others might see it as being selfish, you might even think you are being selfish. But understand that taking care of yourself during this time (taking a lot of "you" time, separating yourself from triggers for a while, walking away from painful situations) is important to overcoming and healing.
• It demands that we have faith.
• Whether you believe in God or not, grief demands that you have faith and hope that things will get better. One of my sweet friends lost her mother earlier this year and at the funeral, her aunt spoke. She said something that will stay with me forever. "I have to have faith in my Heavenly Father, because if I don't have faith, I will be bitter."
• It demands change.
• Grief is a very real example of the refiner's fire. It will change us whether we want it to or not. What we do have control over if whether those changes are for the better or for the worse. "You can get bitter or you can get better" very strongly applies here.

4. Grief is not an excuse


     In the suffocating depths of grief, it is easy to feel justified in certain behaviors. But we are not entitled to treat others unkindly because of grief. We should not end relationships or cut people out of our lives because of grief. Grief can definitely be an explanation for the choices we are making, but it cannot become an excuse. I know those sound very similar, but I think there is a difference. An explanation to me would sound like, "I need to make this choice to help me heal." Explaining to help others understand. An excuse would sound like, "I have the right to make this choice because I am grieving." Do you see the difference? It might seem like I am splitting hairs, but this is a very important difference in my mind.


5. We eventually have to let go of our grief


     This is something my husband recently taught me. And I think this has to be one of the toughest things to handle when it comes to grief. At least for me.
     Now remember, grief does not have a timeline. If your heart needs to grieve for a long time, then let it. But there's a difference between needing to grieve and feeling like we have to.
     I have been holding so tightly onto my grief because I felt like I had to. Our siblings, family members, and friends have been announcing pregnancies and having babies.. With all of the excitement and happiness for them, everyone has forgotten my sweet baby except for me. No one asks me anymore. No one said anything on my due date. No one cared. That's how I have felt. And because I was the last one who remembered anymore, I thought that as soon as I let go and move forward then it will be like my baby never existed because no one will remember. But I understand that letting go doesn't mean forgetting. Letting go means allowing yourself to let go of the grief, not of the life, person or event that you have been grieving.


     Learning about something and actually applying it are two different things. I understand all of these things, but I am far from perfect at applying them. That is life though. We learn and we try. We learn and we try. Over and over and over. It can feel tiring, and constantly "failing" can get discouraging. But as we keep trying, we can look back and see that we have come a lot farther than we realized and that our efforts haven't actually been failures at all.

Breaking the Silence

If you have had a miscarriage, you are not alone. Obviously, you know that. But do you feel that?

Maybe not; because it's a topic that is kept very hush-hush. I've wondered why that is for months now. Maybe people don't feel like sharing their private pain. And that's fine. Maybe some don't feel a miscarried baby carries much weight in the eyes of the world or those they associate with. And that's discouraging. Maybe people don't share because that's just what's expected when you have a miscarriage. "We just don't talk about it."

And that's that.

But that's not enough for me. I firmly believe one of the reasons we go through trials is to help other people through similar ones. So here I am, sharing my pain and also the things I have learned in hopes that someone else will benefit from it. If it doesn't give a sense of hope at least it might give a sense of camaraderie...


One day we saw two pink lines. That day my life changed forever.

Amazing things happen when you find out you are creating a life. You start living with a different purpose. You start having dreams of the future. "Will my baby have dimples like my husband?" "Will my baby love to sing like me?"

And if you have siblings expecting at the same time you picture your kids running around grandma and grandpa's house together, asking to have sleepovers, growing lifelong friendships.

This was my sweet reality for 4 weeks. And then...

One day we couldn't see a heartbeat. That day my life changed forever.

Horrendous things happen when you find out the life you were creating becomes a past tense. You question everything. Your purpose. Your future. Things that you've known your whole life become doubts.

But at the same time you learn. You learn more in those moments, days, weeks, months, following than you feel like you've learned your whole life. But why did it take something so painful and unbearable to learn these things? I don't know. Sometimes it's okay not to know.

My sweet baby's life was not without purpose. He/she taught me more than I ever thought possible. I want to share a few of those.


-I am now a mother. Other people might not recognize me as one. I might not have a baby to hold in my arms. But I am a mother who has felt and continues to feel that unconditional love that mothers feel.

-I lost a child. Not just a bunch of cells. A literal child who had already wiggled his/her way into my heart. But it didn't stop there. I lost the next 6 months that I was supposed to carry that child. I lost holding that baby in my arms for the first time. I lost first steps. I lost first day of kindergarten. I lost first date and first heartbreak. I lost graduation and wedding. I lost an entire life that I had dreamt about and started imagining for/with that baby.

-Miscarriage is one of the most lonely experiences in the world."If people heard about what had happened, their faces would turn into masks of horror for a moment, but then it would become just a story to them. They would go on living, and laughing, and I would be alone with my grief." The Retribution of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin. People try to understand, people say they understand, but no one does. Not even others who have had similar experiences. Because each miscarriage is a unique, heartbreaking journey that no one can fully travel with you. But it's so important to take people's comments for what they're given: comfort. Even if they don't feel comforting at the time.

-Emotional independence is essential. Because no one fully understands, no one will ever be able to feel how deep your pain and grief reach. They aren't feeling what you're feeling, so they don't know what your heart needs. So share your feelings by all means! But don't expect people to react exactly how you expect or give you exactly what you need, because they have no idea.

-Lastly, you are never alone. You have a Heavenly Father and a Savior, Jesus Christ who will never abandon you no matter what your grief makes you feel or think. So yes, no one here on earth knows how you feel. But they do. No one here on earth understands why, including you. But they do.

Trials are the ultimate form of repentance and change. When tragic, traumatic things happen to you it's almost like you come to a dead end in your path of life that you didn't foresee. So for a while you stop. You stare at the dead end. You wonder why in the world it's there because this was not your plan. Most people feel grief and despair for the life that they thought they were going to have but now don't. But after a while, you have to make a choice. Are you going to allow this end point to set you back? Or are you going to choose to let it elevate you? Will you simply sit down on the path with bitterness in your heart? Or will you notice the other path leading off in a different direction and with curiosity and hope for the future keep walking?

I choose to keep walking.